Star Date: December 1, 2013 pt. 2 Garage Sale

So what now? I lost nearly 5 years of my life traumatizing relationship. For some reason, at the time I thought that as soon as I escaped my cage, I'd be able to forget that it all happened and go back to being me. The thing is, I wasn't even me when I entered into the relationship. I was thirteen years old, I was just a kid who had no clue what I was doing. 

The scary part that They never talk to you about is that abuse of any kind is traumatic and needs to be dealt with. No one ever mentions that PTSD can happen to civilians who have never seen war...although, I spent nearly 5 years trying to stay alive, so I guess that is kind of a war.

I feel damaged now. My brain doesn't work the way I think it should. I struggle with self-esteem issue every day, even though my soulmate tells me how beautiful I am and treats me with respect, love and warmth everyday. The voice in my head (no, I'm not crazy, I know that everybody has a voice in the back of their head that tells them what to expect) tells me that someday my soulmate will wake up and realize that I am all the horrible things that "Jess" verbalized.

I've seen him a handful of times since we broke up, (he comes into my gas station) and it evokes a physical reaction. I begin to shake and my stomach grows queasy. One day I saw his truck in the parking lot and hid in the walk-in freezer in the deli for five minutes. The day that I decided to ask my close friend for help, "Jess" came through my line and I almost threw up on the counter. I still worry that he'll show up at my place of work or my home and do something unexpected. I still think about what bad could happen, and it has been a year...I thought that I could turn my back on it and it wouldn't be a part of my life anymore, but I was wrong.

So how do I cope? It's been hard, but I have a couple of techniques, two of which were taught to me by my mentor and friend, the other I decided to try because I was becoming irrational at the littlest things. (One of my biggest problems is the need to feel perfect.)

*Light In, Dark Out: This one is the least complicated in my opinion, but I still have a hard time with it. It's a breathing exercise. When the darkness clouds up my mind I breathe in and imagine light entering my mind. Then I exhale and imagine the darkness leaving my body. But since I have a hard time with this one, I also write it down.

 Time Out Journal: Instead of saying the bad things that are being repeated inside my head out loud, I write them down. It helps me get those bad thoughts out of my head without putting them into the universe (if it sounds really hippie, it probably is, but it works.) This was my idea to help with my recovery.

*The Chair: Sit in a room (or your car if you don't have privacy at home) and talk to an empty chair as though the person who hurt you is in that chair. This is a way to retaliate and put your energy back into the universe without actually facing your former aggressor. It's hard, I'm not going to lie, and it sounds silly. I've only done it once, which is bad, I need to get better about doing my "homework", but the one session helped.
A warning about the chair: If you do this exercise, your abuse might start to manifest itself. For me, I start getting massive headaches (this happens during most stressful situations now, I mentally relate stress, arguing or not being perfect with getting hurt) I think it has to do with the fact that "Jess" choked me, suffocated me, and hit me in the head a lot, not to mention that when these things would happen I'd reach for a bottle of acetaminophen. So just be aware that this exercise might cause a physical reaction.

I posted this so that other men and women, boys and girls of any type can start their recovery process at home like I did, because I haven't gone to a professional yet. The idea of that kind of help still scares the living daylights out of me.
We are strong, We will overcome.

End Transmission.